Hans Christian Andersen as a lover

"Even at the height of his fame, there was something about Andersen -it was his tragic fate- that made him ridiculous as a lover:..."

Hans Christian Andersen. The life of a storyteller. 

By Jackie Wullschlager. Page 228.

 

Writing beautifully

"I want to write in a beautiful hand because I feel beauty."

The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky. On Death. Page 210.

Lust, Diaghilev and the creation of Nijinsky's most famous ballets

"My lusting almost destroyed me. I felt weak. I cold not compose "Jeux". I composed this ballet on the subject of lust. The ballet was not a success, because I did not feel it. I began it well, but then they started to hurrying me, and I never finished it. In that ballet you can see three young people feeling lust. I understood life at the age of twenty-two. i compose that ballet by myself. Diaghilev and Bakst helped me write down the subject of the ballet, because Debussy, the famous musical composer, insisted on having the story on paper. I asked Diaghilev to help me, and he and Bakst together wrote down my story on paper. I told Diaghilev my ideas. i know that Diaghilev likes saying they are his, because he likes praise. i am very pleased if Diaghilev says it is he who has thought up these stories, taht is, "The faun" and "jeux", for these ballets were composed by me under the influence of my life with Diaghilev. "the Faun" is me, and "jeux" is the kind of life Diaghilev dreamed of. Diaghilev wanted to have two boys. He often told me about this desire of his, but I showed him I was very angry. Diaghilev wanted to make love to two boys at the same time and wanted these boys to make love to him. The two boys are two young girls, and Diaghilev is the young man. I camouflage these personalities on purpose because I wanted people to feel disgust. I felt disgust and therefore could not finish that ballet. Debussy did not like Diaghilev's idea either, but eh was given 10,000 francs for that ballet, and therefore he had to finish it.............. "

The Diary of Vasav Nijinsky. On Death. Page 206-207

Nijinsky looking for tarts in Paris

"I started "chasing tarts". I had difficulty finding tarts, because I did not know where to look for them. i liked the tarts in Paris. They excited me, but, having done it once, I did not want to do anything anymore. I liked those women because they were good people. I felt bad after copulating."

The Diary of Vaslav nijinsky. On Death. page 206.

Nijinsky confesing how he musturbated.

"I want to describe my life as an artist. I was nervous because I had masturbated a lot. I masturbated because I saw many beautiful women who flirted. I luster after them and masturbated. I noticed that my hair started falling our. I noticed that my teeth began to rot. I noticed that I was nervous and began to dance worse. I took masturbating once every ten days. I thought that ten days was a necessary interval of time, that everyone should come once every ten days, for I heard older people say so. I was no more that nineteen years old when I started masturbating once every ten days. I liked lying in bed thinking about a woman, but I came afterward and decided to make myself the object of my lust. I looked at my own erect prick and felt lust. i did not like it, but I thought that "once I had started the machine running, I had to finish." I came quickly, with a feeling of a rush of blood to my head, i did not have a headache, but I felt pain in my temples. I now have a stomachache because I have eaten a lot, and I have the same kind of pain in my temples as when I used to masturbate. I did not masturbate much when I danced, because I realized it was death to my dancing. I started preserving my strength and therefore gave it up."

The Diary of vaslav nijinsky. On Death. page 205-206.

Current Events and Literature. Brecht's Work Diary.

"It would be unbelievably difficult to express the emotional circumstances in which I follow the battle for Britain on the radio and in the bad Finnish-Swedish newspapers and at the same time Puntila. This spiritual phenomenon makes lear that such a war can be and that literary work always be carried on. Puntila concerns me almost not at all, the war completely; about Puntila I can write almost everything, about the war nothing. I don't mean "may," I really mean "can."
It is interesting how far literature, in practice, is removed from the center of all decisive events."

Bertoldt Brecht. Arbeitsjournal (Work Journals) 1938-1955. page 59.


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Nijinsky's anger

"I am a predator. i am a spiteful man. I am not God, but a beast. I am sorry for myself and for people like me. I am not a man. I am a beast. I know they will say that I am a spiteful because I write spiteful things. I am spiteful. I am spiteful and a predatory beast. I have sharp claws. Tomorrow I will scratch. I feel I am spiteful. I do not wish people harm, but people wish me harm. I cannot be sorry for people who wish me harm. I do not wish people harm, but they wish me harm. I can not make my handwriting attractive, because I am angry. I am not writing calmly. My hand is nervous. I am nervous. I am angry and nervous. i can not be calm. I do not want to be calm. I will be angry. I am an angry scoundrel. I am angrier than anyone else in the world. I know how to be angry. I made her angry, and therefore she left me. I cannot write, because I am angry. I am angry, but not in the way other people are angry. I am angry at God. I will not go out for a walk tomorrow. I will stay at home. I will drink wine and beer. I will eat meat. I will laugh. I will be stupid. I don not want to write in an attractive handwriting, because I want people to read me in that way I want. I cannot write anymore."

The Diary of vaslav Nijinsky. On death. page 168.