Lust, Diaghilev and the creation of Nijinsky's most famous ballets

"My lusting almost destroyed me. I felt weak. I cold not compose "Jeux". I composed this ballet on the subject of lust. The ballet was not a success, because I did not feel it. I began it well, but then they started to hurrying me, and I never finished it. In that ballet you can see three young people feeling lust. I understood life at the age of twenty-two. i compose that ballet by myself. Diaghilev and Bakst helped me write down the subject of the ballet, because Debussy, the famous musical composer, insisted on having the story on paper. I asked Diaghilev to help me, and he and Bakst together wrote down my story on paper. I told Diaghilev my ideas. i know that Diaghilev likes saying they are his, because he likes praise. i am very pleased if Diaghilev says it is he who has thought up these stories, taht is, "The faun" and "jeux", for these ballets were composed by me under the influence of my life with Diaghilev. "the Faun" is me, and "jeux" is the kind of life Diaghilev dreamed of. Diaghilev wanted to have two boys. He often told me about this desire of his, but I showed him I was very angry. Diaghilev wanted to make love to two boys at the same time and wanted these boys to make love to him. The two boys are two young girls, and Diaghilev is the young man. I camouflage these personalities on purpose because I wanted people to feel disgust. I felt disgust and therefore could not finish that ballet. Debussy did not like Diaghilev's idea either, but eh was given 10,000 francs for that ballet, and therefore he had to finish it.............. "

The Diary of Vasav Nijinsky. On Death. Page 206-207

Nijinsky confesing how he musturbated.

"I want to describe my life as an artist. I was nervous because I had masturbated a lot. I masturbated because I saw many beautiful women who flirted. I luster after them and masturbated. I noticed that my hair started falling our. I noticed that my teeth began to rot. I noticed that I was nervous and began to dance worse. I took masturbating once every ten days. I thought that ten days was a necessary interval of time, that everyone should come once every ten days, for I heard older people say so. I was no more that nineteen years old when I started masturbating once every ten days. I liked lying in bed thinking about a woman, but I came afterward and decided to make myself the object of my lust. I looked at my own erect prick and felt lust. i did not like it, but I thought that "once I had started the machine running, I had to finish." I came quickly, with a feeling of a rush of blood to my head, i did not have a headache, but I felt pain in my temples. I now have a stomachache because I have eaten a lot, and I have the same kind of pain in my temples as when I used to masturbate. I did not masturbate much when I danced, because I realized it was death to my dancing. I started preserving my strength and therefore gave it up."

The Diary of vaslav nijinsky. On Death. page 205-206.

Nijinsky's anger

"I am a predator. i am a spiteful man. I am not God, but a beast. I am sorry for myself and for people like me. I am not a man. I am a beast. I know they will say that I am a spiteful because I write spiteful things. I am spiteful. I am spiteful and a predatory beast. I have sharp claws. Tomorrow I will scratch. I feel I am spiteful. I do not wish people harm, but people wish me harm. I cannot be sorry for people who wish me harm. I do not wish people harm, but they wish me harm. I can not make my handwriting attractive, because I am angry. I am not writing calmly. My hand is nervous. I am nervous. I am angry and nervous. i can not be calm. I do not want to be calm. I will be angry. I am an angry scoundrel. I am angrier than anyone else in the world. I know how to be angry. I made her angry, and therefore she left me. I cannot write, because I am angry. I am angry, but not in the way other people are angry. I am angry at God. I will not go out for a walk tomorrow. I will stay at home. I will drink wine and beer. I will eat meat. I will laugh. I will be stupid. I don not want to write in an attractive handwriting, because I want people to read me in that way I want. I cannot write anymore."

The Diary of vaslav Nijinsky. On death. page 168.

Nijinsky masturbator and his love for his mother and dance.

"I knew that Russian church services because I went to church every time. I liked going to church because I liked seeing the silver icons, which glittered. There were candles for sale, and sometimes I used to sell them together with Isayev, my companion in masturbation. I liked him, but felt that what he had taught me to do was a bad thing. I suffered when I wanted to do it. I wanted to do it every time I went to bed. Isayenko noticed that no one in school knew about my habits, and I therefore continued with them. I continued till I noticed that my dancing was beginning to deteriorate. I was scared because I realize that my mother would soon be ruined and I would not be to help her. I started combating my lust. I forced myself to do so. I said to myself, "I mustn't." I learned well. I gave up masturbation. I was about fifteen years old. I loved my mother, and my love for my mother made me improve. I learned well. Everyone began to notice me. I got top marks. My mother became happy. She often told me that the whacking had done me good. I told her that this was so, but I felt otherwise. I loved my mother infinitely. I decided to devote myself to dancing even more. I grew thin. I started to dance like God."

The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky. On Life. Page 119.

My soul is sick (Vaslav Nijinsky)

"I want to weep, but I cannot, because I feel so much pain in my soul that I am afraid for myself. I feel pain. My soul is sick. My sickness is of the soul and not of the mind. I know what I need in order to become well again. My sickness is too great for me to be cured of it soon. I am incurable. My soul is sick. I am poor. I am a destitute. I an unhappy. I am horrible. I know that everyone will suffer when they read these lines, because I know that people will feel me."

The Diary of Vaslav Nijisnky. On Life. Page  145.

   

Nijisnky and ridicule.

"I do not like ridicule. I am not ridiculous. I love everyone, and loving everyone is not a ridiculous thing."

The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky. On life. Page 67.

   

Nijinsky and his concept of Beauty.

"Beauty can not be discussed. Beauty  cannot be criticized. Beauty is not criticism."

The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky. On life. Page 59

 

Nijinsky, Theatre Stage and the circle.

"I don't like a theater with a square stage. I like a round theater. I will build a round theater. I know what an eye is. An eye is a theater. The brain is the audience. I am the eye in the brain."

The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky. On life. Page 52

  

Nijisnky, dance and circle.

"The circle is the complete, the perfect movement. Everything is based on it-life, art." 

Nijinsky. Romola Nijinski quoting Nijinsky's words. 

  

Nijinsky about work.

"I work with mi hands and feet and head and eyes and nose and tongue and hair and skin and stomach and guts" 

The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky. On life. Page 44.

 

Nijisnky writing clean like Darwin

"Darwin was an ape, but did not have lice. I love Darwin for his cleanliness. he wrote neatly. I like writing neatly, but I have a bad fountain pen."


The Diary of Vaslav Nijinsky